“Well, that’s great stuff. I was so proud of the president there, I must say. This has nothing to do with partisanship. This is a Commander In Chief meeting with the troops, as it was right out of ‘Henry V,’ actually, a touch of Barry in this case in the night for those soldiers risking their lives over there.“
Chris Matthews, an objective journalist
The Setting: Agincourt, a sandy suburb of Kandahar.
The Date: 25 October, 1415 … or May 2, 2012 (historians are not clear on the date).
- Henery V
- TelePrompTer: His trusty advisor
- Westmoreland: His cousin
Scene: Henery V is ready to address his troops.
O that we now had here
But one more team of those SEALs
That do their work to-day!
King Henery V:
What’s he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we, y’know, are mark’d to do
This dog and pony show,
The fewer men, the greater share of credit.
God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, y’know, I am not covetous for gold,
I give to charity more even than Joe Biden!
Nor care I who doth feed upon taxpayers’ cost;
It yearns me not if men eat Bo for break fast;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires;
But if it be a sin to covet credit,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from Navy;
God’s peace! I would not lose so great a credit in election year
As one man more, y’know, would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which claims to have been there,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made
And less than honourable discharge
Put into his jacket.
We would not dine in that man’s company
That wants his recognition alongside with me.
This day is called the feast of killing of bin Laden;
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Barak, the bin Laden slayer.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say ‘To-morrow’s Saint Barack:’
Then will he strip his sleeve and show tattoo
Of me upon his arm.
And say ‘That man has killed bin Laden.’
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
The SEAL Team Six,
The Admiral who had to give the order,
The hated CIA, intelligence that led
To killing of Osama,
Those evil Bush and Cheney…
But he’ll remember with advantages
What feats I say I did that day;
Then shall My names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Barry the king, Obama the Exhalted, Barack the First –
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And May the Second shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of elections,
But I in it shall be remember’d;
The One, the happy Me, the lonely hero;
He Who has spent Sixteen of agonizing hours
Deciding, after all, bin Laden must be killed
Then went into the breach
With battle axe in his uplifted hands,
To kill, y’know, bin Laden, all alone.
(There might have been some others.
I mention them, y’know, so none can say
I’m hogging all the credit).
There are some photographs that prove this tale of valour,
But none shall see them ‘till the end of days
For spiking the football is shameful and inciting…
Say, Westmoreland, is there still a stage
That I have not yet used
To shout of my heroism on this Saint Barack Day?
And he to-day that stands in silence,
While I claim all the credit for the kill
Shall be my friend; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition.
And all Republicans State-side now a-bed
(it’s middle of the night, still no excuse)
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
(How could they, though, this being a secret trip?)
And hold their chances cheap while any speaks
Of Me, who fought Osama all alone upon Saint Barry day.
* * *
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Some names, places or dates might have been mixed up.
No politicians were harmed during the writing of this text.
My apologies to Willie S. and Messrs. Murray and Weston.