‘I’m Henery the Fifth, I am’

“Well, that’s great stuff. I was so proud of the president there, I must say. This has nothing to do with partisanship. This is a Commander In Chief meeting with the troops, as it was right out of ‘Henry V,’ actually, a touch of Barry in this case in the night for those soldiers risking their lives over there.

Chris Matthews, an objective journalist


The Setting: Agincourt, a sandy suburb of Kandahar.

The Date: 25 October, 1415 … or May 2, 2012 (historians are not clear on the date).

On Stage:

  • Henery V
  • TelePrompTer: His trusty advisor
  • Westmoreland: His cousin

Scene: Henery V is ready to address his troops.


O that we now had here
But one more team of those SEALs
That do their work to-day!

King Henery V:

What’s he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we, y’know, are mark’d to do
This dog and pony show,
The fewer men, the greater share of credit.

God’s will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, y’know, I am not covetous for gold,
I give to charity more even than Joe Biden!
Nor care I who doth feed upon taxpayers’ cost;
It yearns me not if men eat Bo for break fast;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires;
But if it be a sin to covet credit,
I am the most offending soul alive.

No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from Navy;
God’s peace! I would not lose so great a credit in election year
As one man more, y’know, would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!

Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which claims to have been there,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made
And less than honourable discharge
Put into his jacket.

We would not dine in that man’s company
That wants his recognition alongside with me.
This day is called the feast of killing of bin Laden;
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Barak, the bin Laden slayer.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say ‘To-morrow’s Saint Barack:’
Then will he strip his sleeve and show tattoo
Of me upon his arm.
And say ‘That man has killed bin Laden.’

Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
The SEAL Team Six,
The Admiral who had to give the order,
The hated CIA, intelligence that led
To killing of Osama,
Those evil Bush and Cheney…
But he’ll remember with advantages
What feats I say I did that day;
Then shall My names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Barry the king, Obama the Exhalted, Barack the First –
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And May the Second shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of elections,
But I in it shall be remember’d;
The One, the happy Me, the lonely hero;
He Who has spent Sixteen of agonizing hours
Deciding, after all, bin Laden must be killed
Then went into the breach
With battle axe in his uplifted hands,
To kill, y’know, bin Laden, all alone.
(There might have been some others.
I mention them, y’know, so none can say
I’m hogging all the credit).

There are some photographs that prove this tale of valour,
But none shall see them ‘till the end of days
For spiking the football is shameful and inciting…
Say, Westmoreland, is there still a stage
That I have not yet used
To shout of my heroism on this Saint Barack Day?
And he to-day that stands in silence,
While I claim all the credit for the kill
Shall be my friend; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition.

And all Republicans State-side now a-bed
(it’s middle of the night, still no excuse)
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
(How could they, though, this being a secret trip?)
And hold their chances cheap while any speaks
Of Me, who fought Osama all alone upon Saint Barry day.

*  *  *

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Some names, places or dates might have been mixed up.
No politicians were harmed during the writing of this text.

My apologies to Willie S. and Messrs. Murray and Weston.




  1. Jenna says:

    Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

  2. Dee says:

    Love this. Chrissie Matthews does make me laugh. Samuel, I appreciate your wit.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Now do a Southpark skit on it!!!
    Barack and all his authoriteh.

  4. nanas3 says:

    Priceless..this should be utilized in Republican ads! As McCain said, “Heroes don’t brag” so I guess that is all we need to say.

  5. Whats_up says:

    Its amazing to watch the hatred those on the right have for our President. They cant even give him credit when credit is due. Why is that?

  6. Samuel Fain says:


    What hatred? You see hatred in this light-hearted mockery of the guy? I shudder to think what you would see in a serious dissent. You know, something that was once, until 3 years and 4 months ago, the highest form of patriotism. I guess that would probably qualify for treason.

    No, I don’t hate Obama. I do hate what he is doing to my country, but him personally? I think I don’t respect him enough to hate him.

    As an aside, what is it with the Left, that they always have to hate a person with opposing views, not just the views themselves? And then it seems they project the same approach onto others.

    Now, let’s talk credit.

    Ordinarily, I would subscribe to the notion that a President gets credit for everything that goes well during his tenure. However, that notion has an integral second part: He also takes the responsibility for everything that goes badly. The problem with this particular President is that he ties himself into a pretzel to shift that responsibility onto somebody else. Nothing bad has ever anything to do with him, let alone being his fault. If it’s not Bush, it’s Congress, even when he controls all of it. If it’s not Congress, it’s the Tea Party. If it’s not that, it’s the evil rich (aside from those he hits for donations, apparently). Or the oil companies. Or corporations as a whole. I am sure he’ll come up with something else tomorrow.

    So no, sorry, I am not willing to give him the “credit his position demands” anymore. I can only give him the credit he actually deserves.
    And what credit does he deserve for the Bin Laden raid?
    His achievement is basically in not standing in the way. Sure, it apparently took him 16 hours to decide to step aside and let the SEALs do their job, but he did it in the end. Congratulations.
    However, it was the SEALs who have risked everything, regardless of what that disgraceful ad with Clinton claims. It was the admiral who gave the order and risked his career in case of failure. It was the “enhanced interrogations” that made this raid possible. Done by the same CIA interrogators whom Obama started prosecuting. The same interrogations against which he railed for years, done in the same Guantanamo prison that he vowed to close down. And it was Bush who set this all up in the first place, and who was for that very reason subjected to vilification from the likes of Obama.

    Had Obama been willing to give credit where credit is actually due, I would be willing to give him some in return. Yet he seems incapable of that, and so he deserves all the mockery he gets.

    Yes, I agree with that rabid right-winger, Arianna Huffington, that Obama’s ad is despicable. The way he politicized Bin Laden’s killing for campaign reasons is disgraceful. Do I hate him? No. Do I have an ounce of respect for him left? None.

  7. Samuel Fain says:

    P.S. It amuses me when people, including Republicans, say that Obama made a “tough decision”. What tough decision? He didn’t even have a decision to make. Anything other than “go get him” would have been political suicide.

  8. nanas3 says:

    what’s_up, the President doesn’t need anyone to GIVE him credit for anything because he TAKES more credit for himself than any President ever has before. HATRED??? have you listened to the liberal talking heads like Rachael Madcow or Maher? Have you heard the many military men who resent his arrogance and his making the Bin Laden take down about HIM?

    I agree with Samuel! Wish the President could admit the TRUTH:

    Would that I could be so brave,
    And fight with men whose all they gave,
    For love of country which I abhor,
    Alas, ’tis true, myself I honor more.

    As empty praise rings in my ears,
    From a blubbering Matthews and his mindless peers,
    But, I dare not deny the glory of this conquest,
    Was sweeter here from beneath my desk.

  9. Jack Ott says:

    Do not be so harsh, Sir Samuel, by depriving our king of the one, single accomplishment of his brief reign. For in years to come, his name and his fame shall be but footnotes in the history books, and the Second of May just another day. But like the stories of the Twentieth Maine on Little Round Top or the Marines at Chapultepec, the heroism of Seal Team Six will be forever etched in the minds of We the People.

  10. Randy Wills says:

    In response to the comment from “Whats_up”, I think that the word “hatred” is a much over-used word. In fact, it has almost become a substitute, or synonym, for “opposed to” or “disagree with”. As an example, if I disagree, based on the Scripture, with homosexual marriage, I will inevitably be asked “Why do you hate homosexuals?” The over-use of the word “hate”, or “hatred”, is clearly intended to put the objector on the defensive rather than engage in a reasoned discussion of the basis for objecting. To be truthful, no matter how hard I try, I really do not know who he is or where he is coming from. In fact, he reminds me of a statement once made by Joseph Smith regarding himself; “No Man Knows My History”, and in the absence of knowing a person’s history, I cannot really know who, or what, he is. All I can do is judge him by his actions, and in President Obama’s case, I can’t imagine a more divisive President.

    I, for one, do not “hate” President Obama, but I certainly strongly “disagree” with his policies and attitudes, and I deeply “fear” the long-term effects of his policies on the well-being of the United States. In my opinion, he is the most ideologically-reflexive, unserious, politician ever to hold the office of the President. I only wish that the Republicans would put forth a candidate that I trusted more than Romney, who, in my opinion, is an empty suit without a core who wins by carpet-bombing his opponents with negative, personal, attacks. The 2012 campaign is going to be very, very, ugly and Obama and Romney deserve each other as opponents, neither of whom can run on their records.

    That having been said, let me loosely quote an Eastern European politician who said “I do not fear President Obama, for his policies can be reversed in an instant when he is out of office. What I fear is a populace that would elect such a man.”

    My feelings exactly.


  11. Randy Wills says:

    My apologies. Where I say in my earlier comment that “I really do not know who he is or where he is coming from ———”, I’m refering to President Obama, not “Whats_up”.


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