Another year has ended, and a new year–an election year at that–is right around the corner.
Unfortunately, none of my predictions from last year have come true. None of these will likely do so, either, but even a broken clock is right two times a day. Unless it’s a digital clock, in which case you’ve simply got a paperweight.
I digress. As with last year, all names have been changed to protect the innocent. Considering that none of these people are innocent, however, all names have remained the same.
Republican presidential contenders Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann will create “an Alliance to Save America” and present a petition to President Obama that asks for Congressman Ron Paul to be declared an enemy combatant, allowing Paul to be detained indefinitely. Gingrich and Bachmann will send tapes of Ron Paul’s foreign policy statements at the Republican presidential debates to the White House, which they believe will prove Ron Paul is an Iranian covert agent.
President Obama will refuse this request on the grounds that his administration is against torture, and further examination of Ron Paul’s opinions cause vast numbers of Republicans terrible pain.
Representative Barney Frank, who has announced his retirement from Congress, will tearfully admit on his last day that he is quitting because he honestly could not think of any more ways to screw up America. He will quote his current liberal guru, Al Gore (who denies that he is married to a tree) saying, “When it’s time to go, it’s time to go.”
Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham will co-sponsor a bill that orders real estate mogul Donald Trump to get a hairpiece. Donald Trump will fire back with, “Men like me own Congress. You do what we say, we don’t do what you say.” Donald Trump will run for Congress and win in November, only to be forced into resignation after disseminating photos of himself wearing nothing but his hairpiece and tie on Twitter.
The United States Supreme Court will no longer hear cases. It will rule in the spring in the case The Universe vs. Attorney General Eric Holder that everything the government does is constitutional so long as the Attorney General is a black man. Testing the waters, Holder’s Justice Department institutes Operation Perforated Recess, in which thousands of guns are shipped to grade schools as a way of getting children interested in a career in the Justice Department.
President Obama will attempt to give a speech without a teleprompter. After he says hello, he will realize he does not know what to say, and does not have an opinion about anything. Instead, he will light a cigarette and do his version of a Richard Pryor comedy routine he heard at a party in college. MSNBC’s Chris Matthews will explain that it was “transformational.” Al Sharpton will defend the president’s liberal use of the N-word.
The Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, will have his dream come true when he sends a zero percent (0%) loan to JP Morgan Chase Bank that is a “1” followed by the infinity sign. Ben Bernanke will later testify before Congress that this will remove the need for any more bank bailouts. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will request that her hair and wardrobe allotment will at least be half as much, noting that the price of brightly colored pantsuits have risen over the past four years.
John Corzine, the former senator, governor, chief of Goldman Sachs, and ex-head of MF Global–which just filed bankruptcy and is allegedly missing over a billion dollars in customer accounts–will be appointed the Chairman of the Democratic Party. President Obama will explain that Corzine’s appointment was made in order to appease Occupy Wall Street, which said it would never stop protesting until the Democratic Party put people in power who truly represented the 99%.
Democratic minority leader in the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi announced she would form a committee whose task it is to lobby on her behalf so she can become Pope. At this stage, she feels this is an obvious career change and there are numerous reports that Pope Benedict XVI is in failing health and may resign.
When asked if the fact that she is a woman will hinder her chances of becoming Pope, she replied, “I’ve never been bound by tradition. That’s why I’ve never cared about the American Constitution, liberty, truthfulness, or personal integrity. Besides, I’ve been told repeatedly that I am more of a man than Barney Frank.”
Head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, will rule that it is illegal to get a suntan. She will explain that when DHS racially profiles people, it wants to be confident it knows the race of an individual.
“It is very important for us to know who the Ron Paul supporters are,” Napolitano will say. “While everyone knows they are all white people, we believe that they should look that way.”
She will issue a correction later, which says that Homeland Security does not racially profile. It considers every human being on earth a suspect and is an equal opportunity paranoid.
Alex Jones, radio personality and tin-foil prophet, will admit that the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) does not care about him anymore. Why? Because they officially took over the world on December 4, 2011 and he could do nothing to stop them. Alex Jones still does not understand, however, why the CIA will not remove the implant they implanted in his brain in 1999. “I keep calling them and reminding them it is in there,” he will explain, “but they won’t call me back.”
Newt Gingrich will reveal his early pick for Vice-president is Justin Bieber. This will be a way for his campaign to appeal to the disillusioned youth of America. When asked if Justin Bieber fit the constitutional requirements to be Vice-president, Newt Gingrich replied that, as a historian, he “will follow the requirements of the Constitution with the same rigor as President Obama and his administration.”
Vice President Joe Biden will announce his resignation after he confesses to making improper advances to Supreme Court Judge Elena Kagan at a White House function. President Obama will encourage Joe Biden to resign because, “This incident shows that Joe has lost touch with reality. We’re afraid if he does come back to reality and realize what he did, he could have a complete breakdown.”
President Obama will ask the Senate to Confirm Justin Timberlake as the new vice president. “Unlike the Republicans,” President Obama will explain, “Democrats want leaders who are more mature and experienced.”
Harry Reid, the Democratic Majority Leader of the Senate, will endorse Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney for president. “I want somebody in the White House I completely agree with,” Harry Reid will say. “Right now, President Obama and I argue too much. I want peace.”
Goldman Sachs will issue a press release that states the United States and Europe no longer have to worry about creating democracies around the world. Instead, Goldman Sachs will be happy to follow the Greek and Italian model and forgo elections and appoint Goldman Sachs investment bankers as the heads of the world’s governments. This will save everyone lots of money. Goldman Sachs will no longer need to bribe government officials, and the Federal Reserve will no longer need to supply bailouts. Instead, Goldman Sachs will be permitted to openly pillage countries without having to lurk in the background. Look at all the trouble people cause when they protest, they will say. Think of the money spent on trash collection.