By the end of the week, 2010 will draw to a close. Politically, it has been an incredible year — we have seen the resurgence of the American right, and the systematic erosion of individual liberties by the American political left. What will 2011 bring? At this point, nobody knows.
Here are a few ideas, however. They’re supposed to be taken in jest. All names have been changed to protect the innocent, but considering that none of these people are innocent, all names have remained the same.
Republican John Boehner, the soon-to-be Speaker of the House in the United States Congress, will discover that the American people actually pay attention to what he says. The subsequent realization that he will be blamed for what goes wrong in the country will be too much for him to bear. He will be found wandering the streets of Washington, D.C. asking strangers if they have ever heard of John Boehner. When a reporter tracks him down and asks him what he is doing, he will reply, “I’m looking for an honest man. I’m looking for an honest man.”
As minority leader of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi will dedicate her vast talents to making sure universal plastic surgery is realized in America. Allowing every American access to plastic surgery is the surest way, she will unendingly preach, to finally bring equality to an American nation that has always fallen short of its dream of liberty and good cheekbones for all. Disadvantaged peoples across the country will smile while they still can.
Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano will reveal her innermost desires in an interview on that hard-hitting news program, The View. She will drop a bombshell when she tells Whoopi Goldberg that one of her greatest fantasies is to go on a date with Congressman Barney Frank. After all, she explains, her job is to keep America safe, and there is nothing safer for a woman than a date with Barney Frank.
The intellectual, happy lesbian from MSNBC, Rachel Maddow, will challenge author, politician, conservative news commentator and possible presidential hopeful Sarah Palin to a Texas Chainsaw Death Match in the great tradition of professional wrestling in order to silence Palin once and for all. They will eventually negotiate a deal which states that if Rachel Maddow wins, Sarah Palin will have to admit on national television that Keith Olberman of MSBNC is a serious news analyst and a great American. If Rachel Maddow loses, however, she will have to admit on national television that there is a God and He never intended to create lesbians.
Keith Olberman of MSNBC will be suspended for 15 minutes for contributing money to an organization dedicated to proving that conservative radio host Sean Hannity is, in reality, a reformed homosexual, near-obsolete animatronic device pre-programmed each day with conservative talking points by Pat Robertson, Billy Graham, and the ghost of Ronald Reagan. MSNBC will explain that the suspension is due to Keith Olberman’s violation of the spending limits imposed by MSNBC, not because MSNBC felt the organization itself was altogether unworthy of support.
Vice President Joe Biden will continue to support the full-body pat-downs conducted by the TSA at airports because the scanners reveal the existence of a brain, and the pat-downs demonstrate that his hairline is, in fact, connected to his scalp. He will subsequently explain that T-S-A is is favorite four-letter acronym.
Newly appointed Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court Elena Kagan will write a letter to President Barack Obama explaining that she had a revelation after she drank a pot of coffee and ate an entire family pack of chocolate chip cookies that she is completely unqualified to be on the bench. Finally, she realized that she has spent her life almost exclusively in academia, has no judicial experience, and has had no life experience that in any way makes her understand how the law affects ordinary Americans. She is exactly the same, she reveals, as a Monk who spent his life in a monastery on top of a mountain and then leaves to become a marriage counselor.
Justice Kagan will go on to confess that she spent most of her time as Dean of Harvard Law School fund raising, which allowed her to spend time on her favorite activity: spending hours grazing at free buffets. She will conclude the letter with an offer to resign.
President Obama will reply personally in a cordial, hand-written letter explaining to her that, similarly, he is completely unqualified to be president of the United States. President Obama explains that he, too, had a similar revelation to hers after he smoked a half a pack of Marlboros in 15 minutes in a White House bathroom on his second day in office. But he came to realize, he will tell Justice Kagan, that all he has to do is read a prepared script, sign documents, and play basketball.
He will conclude his letter with, “I have found out what ‘is’ is.”
After having failed to achieve any significant diplomatic victories in the Middle East, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will launch “suitcase diplomacy.” She will fly around the globe delivering suitcases filled with dollars to anyone she wishes to influence. She will explain this will remove the “middle man,” namely the Congress of the United States, from butting in on her turf. World leaders everywhere will ask how this new doctrine was a change from the old.
Ben Bernanke, the head of the Federal Reserve Bank, will inform Secretary of State Clinton that he intends to destroy the American dollar, so she had better reconsider whether a suitcase full of money will do. Secretary of State Clinton, a determined woman with a lot to do, will make a personal phone call and tell Chairman Bernanke to quit screwing around and start issuing trillion dollar bills.
Just for the fun of it, they agree the trillion dollar bill should have Congressman Ron Paul’s face on it.
President Barack Obama will announce that his campaign for 2012 will use the slogan “Who Cares?” instead of “Hope & Change.” The “Who Cares?” slogan will be based on the premise that the American federal deficit is so enormous it can never be paid off, so who cares if it gets bigger? He will promise to mail every American a check for $100,000,000 if he wins the 2012 election. Deficits … who cares? The average Democratic Party voter is ready to take the check, then ask for more.
The state of California will be the first state in 2011 to declare bankruptcy. When the case appears in the Federal Court, the judge will ask, “Is this moral or financial bankruptcy?” The Governor of California, Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown will reply, “You know that moral bankruptcy always comes first.”