A few days ago I wrote a rather serious, foreboding look at the economy for 2010, which I am sure didn’t generate too much enthusiasm at what is supposed to be an uplifting part of the year. Frankly, because 2009 was such a downer for so many people, I reserved the lighter side of life for another piece, a collection of predictions for 2010 having to do with some of the prominent figures in politics.
Some are serious, some are meant to be tongue-in-cheek, most made me chuckle, and I hope that they’ll do the same for you.
- President Barack Obama will compare himself to former presidents Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt at least three times a day. Under pressure from wife Michelle, however, he will refrain from comparing himself to former President Bill Clinton.
- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi will add a four-hundred-page amendment to the health care legislation as the House and Senate bills are reconciled, an amendment which covers plastic surgery for all Americans. Once she has succeeded in passing this legislation, which she says will fulfill her life’s work as a political leader, she will begin a campaign to have herself elected Pope.
- Congressman Barney Frank will admit that when he leaves the House of Representatives he will receive a compensation package worth $400 billion. He will also be forced to admit that the last financial reform bill he proposed included a clause that exempts him from paying any taxes for life. When asked how he could get away with it all, he’ll shrug, say something about chocolate syrup, and remind everyone that nobody reads the legislation anyway.
- President Barack Obama will declare the recession is over.
- President Barack Obama will declare the economy needs another stimulus package.
- President Barack Obama will declare that Black History Month will no longer be celebrated throughout February, but will from now on be celebrated only from February 1 to February 14, because he is only half-black.
- Glenn Beck’s red phone will finally ring. But it will only be Rahm Emanuel ordering out for a #&@$ing pizza.
- Former American President Bill Clinton will tell a 20-year-old co-ed that he is a multi-millionaire rock star and has never been married.
- The Secret Service will reveal that Vice President Joe Biden cannot always remember where he lives. On April Fool’s Day, they intend to give him fake addresses.
- Radio commentator Alex Jones will say there is a government conspiracy to tell lies about him. The government will deny it. Alex Jones will say this shows he is correct. The government will deny that denying makes him correct. Alex Jones will deny he ever said the government was correct. The government will agree that he never said they were correct.
- Keith Olbermann’s head will explode. Nobody will notice.
- House Minority Leader John Boehner will be invited to give an interview on CBS News, but the security guards will turn him away at the entrance. They had never heard of him, and everyone knows there are not any Republicans left in Congress.
- Secretary of State Hilliary Clinton will tell the North Koreans not to worry about all the criticism leveled against them because it is just part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.
- Secretary of State Hilliary Clinton will admit she is married, but will deny she ever talks to her husband about politics.
- President Barack Obama will award Al Gore the Scientist of the Decade Award in a secret ceremony in order to avoid a public outcry to have the award revoked. Al Gore is humbled because he never claimed to know anything about science. He admits he created the Internet by accident, and that the name “Chad” still causes him to dry heave.
- Israel will threaten Iran. Iran will threaten the whole world. President Barack Obama will announce a peace initiative, promising to go on whirlwind tour of the world and bow to anyone who asks him to. The campaign will be called, “Deference Leads to Peace.” Presidential pilates instructors will be kept on hand in order to ensure that the president is limber enough to embarrass himself at every new stop.
- Joe Biden, in an incident reminiscent of one particular vice president before him, will be caught on national television misspelling a word. That word, it seems, will be “Joe.”
- Secretary of State Hilliary Clinton, of course, refuses to bow to anyone. That is why, she will explain, she never got married.
- President Barack Obama will nominate conservative talk show host Glenn Beck as the head of Homeland Security so Glenn Beck can be forced to have himself arrested as an enemy combatant. It will be the beginning of a government campaign to have conservatives turn themselves in.
- The Supreme Court of the United States will rule that every ruling they ever made was wrong and they need to start over again. They will find out no one was paying attention to them, so they immediately overrule that ruling and proclaim every ruling they ever made to be true. They are grateful no one pays attention to them anymore.
- Alex Jones will protest that he should have been arrested before Glenn Beck. It is wrong, he will argue, to arrest people based on ratings.
- A national essay contest with a top prize of $5.00 will ask people to answer the question, “Who is Harry Reid, and why is he doing this to us?” Millions will enter.
- President Barack Obama will deny he is who we say he is. He will promise to explain that later.
- The CIA will admit it is so secret, even it does not know what it does.
- The Federal Reserve will deny it has run out of money. It will admit it is out of ideas. Ben Bernanke will preface every answer to every question with “so long as you don’t pass go, and don’t collect $200…”
- Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner will hire a six-year-old to personally guide him through Turbo Tax.
- President Barack Obama says he will explain everything when he understands it himself.
Happy new year, folks. It’s been a pleasure being involved here at America’s Right, and interacting with all of you. Best wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2010. Not to mention an electoral landslide in November.