America’s Right Wants to Know . . . What Awards Have You Won?

It’s been a banner day for non-achievement in the United States of America, with the president winning the Nobel Prize for Peace on perceived potential possible promise alone. Well, he wasn’t the only one surprised by winning undeserved prizes — I, too, have been contacted this morning with announcements that I have won a number of wonderful honors:

  • The Philadelphia Magazine Best of Philly award for Best Tanzanian Restaurant
  • A CMT Country Music Award for Best Fiddle in a Twang Interpretation of Slam Poetry
  • A yellow jersey, despite owning only a hybrid bicycle and never actually having traveled to France
  • The Rajalakshmi Krishnamurthy Prize for Best Student in English in the 2nd Year at the Indian Institute of Technology in Madras.
  • The Heisman Trophy (I’m accepting it as a “call to action.”)
  • People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Manatee of the Year’ for 2009.

America’s Right wants to know — what awards have YOU won today?



  1. Anonymous says:

    Also a Nobel prize for a best seller to be written… sometime. I have an idea but it changes daily, so once the idea firms up, I'll sharpen my pens, boot up my pencils or something. I know its going to be a great, tho. My teacher in first grade (65 years ago) said I had nice penmanship and I'm sure that will guarantee my success.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Best dressed in my tighty whities from the Homer Simpson Institute of Fashion.

  3. Mike says:

    I won the AVN for best, uh, Newcomer.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Hukt ahn fonix reely wurkt fer mee. I are now a coleege graduwate.

  5. sirmatthew says:

    I think something was lost in translation. I think it started when the Obama's planted their White House garden with the intention of giving PEAS a chance.

  6. Bodenzee says:

    The Nobe Peace Price is awarded based on nominations received by February 1st. That's l2 days after Barry was sworn in.

    I'm sure his nomination papers were submitted five days earlier though. On His day of rest.

    What had he done 12 days into the term?

    What does it cost to purchase a Nobel Peace Prize?
    Can I buy one from this year's Nieman-Marcus catalog?

  7. GATOR-1 says:

    I got a "Mess with Jeff" coupon in the mail today.

    Call to action?…

    What ya gonna do go save your Tigers?….

    Please stay in your chair and use your brain instead my friend, that road goes thru Atlanta and you know who will be waiting there. Chomp!

    Sounds like a cool shirt but you know you should donate that bike, dont ya?

    Gee folks… if the Nobel folks had any credibility left…it just left.


  8. Lilly says:

    "Best dressed in my tighty whities from the Homer Simpson Institute of Fashion."
    LOL!!!!! Now I have to clean my pop off of my keyboard!

  9. Ian Thorpe says:

    I wonder how much of an affirmative action uplift Obama needed to get this awared?

    Having made my snide joke in this comment I hope readers remember that 11 days was plenty for Obama to show what contribution he would make to world peace.

    He signed executive orders for airstrikes on civilian targets on his first day in office.

    it would be entirely unworthy of me to mention that of course, so I won't mention it.

  10. Anonymous says:

    C'mon, now…it's all about HOPE!

    Sing it…"Barack Hussein Obama, mmm mmm mmm!"

  11. Anonymous says:

    I was awakened this morning with news I had just won the "anti-nobel peace prize" for…

    Being PROUD of my country my entire life

    Working hard to get everything I own and not depending on the government to hand it to me

    Raising my sons to be thankful they live in a FREE nation

    Shaking hands with every soldier I come in contact with and thanking them for all they do to preserve our freedoms

    Telling my grandkids stories about our Nation's history and the things America has done to HELP other nations less fortunate

    Praying for our Nation and it's leaders daily that they will make the right decisions with God's guidance

    Still getting goosebumps and tears when I hear The National Anthem, especially the 4th stanza…
    O! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
    Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
    Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
    Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
    Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
    And this be our motto: 'In God is our trust.'
    And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
    O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave)

    Still believing we are One Nation Under God

    Still calling terrorists…well..terrorists

    Contacting my Reps to vote against policies that I feel take away my constitutional rights as a Christian

    Not wanting Socialism but Capitalism which is the only proven route to a succesful nation

    Telling the truth and not making empty promises

    Providing my "original" birth certificate upon request:D

    Being able to voice my opinions and disagreements with governmental policies and NOT be a racist

    Doing these and many other things not mentioned above without the use of a teleprompter…mmm mmm mmm


  12. Anonymous says:

    i am going to win the noble on biochemestry next year for what i might do from now until i die

  13. Anonymous says:

    according to some guy in Nigeria I have been awarded quite a tidy sum of money.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Funny song from WBAP..I couldn't find it on youtube yet but when the page loads click on Nobel…HILARIOUS!

  15. Dee says:

    My 10th grade English teacher told me I had a good sense of humor and could make people laugh. Therefore, I have won Comedy Central's comedian of the year award. Also, I have won Victoria Secret's bra model of the year for my constant desire to look like one of them. It was not based on achieving that but on the desire to achieve that.

  16. Dee says:

    Michael Vick has won the "Be Kind to Animals" award! April Fool's!

  17. huhchahucha says:

    I've just been told that I've won PEOPLE magazine's "Ugliest Woman of the Year". I think they may be confused because my beard hides my adams apple. This is not how I expected to wake up this morning, but on behalf of ugly women everywhere I except this award as a call to action.

  18. Amy says:

    Personally, I find it ironic that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize on the same day he declared war on and bombed the moon.

    Also, I think the prize should have gone to Tim Tebow.

  19. Ian Thorpe says:

    I heard next week Obama is to be awarded the gold medal for ice dance in the 2010 Winter Olympics……….

  20. Tonya Harding says:

    Is he skating pairs with Barney Frank, Ian?

  21. No [Dumb]-Bell Prize says:

    There was a huge traffic jam on I-66 yesterday. Seems Starbucks was giving away a free Nobel Prize with every regular coffee purchased.

  22. Still a Patriot says:

    "I think it started when the Obama's planted their White House garden with the intention of giving PEAS a chance."

    Sir William, that was hilarious!!!


  23. Rix says:

    I actually hold a diploma, issued in 1978, certifying that I was the best Wolf performer in "Little Red Riding Hood" in the summer camp. I remember my mom was awfully proud. Is there a Nobel prize forthcoming for my contribution to the world's cultural heritage?

  24. Anonymous says:

    Rix, your skin color is all wrong.

    verification word: tandodoo
    Kenyan for sun induced diarrhea

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