Assigned Reading: Fugitive D’AlCapone AlPacino Morris Arrested
(FROM: Dayton Daily News)
Like last month’s “Two Mexican Midget Wrestlers Killed By Fake Prostitutes,” some news stories have negligible amounts of news value, but should be noted because of headlines alone. This, the tale of a fugitive murderer by the name of D’AlCapone AlPacino Morris, is one of them.
But seriously, folks — what kind of a chance did D’AlCapone AlPacino really have? And I’m not talking about the purported lack of opportunities afforded to lower-income people, either. I’m talking strictly about having that name.
Somehow, I don’t suspect I’ll be facing off against D’AlCapone AlPacino Morris, Esq. someday in a court of law. Somehow, I don’t hear “Paging Dr. D’AlCapone AlPacino Morris” coming across any hospital loudspeakers anytime soon, even if ObamaCare–excuse me, KennedyCare–passes.
With a name like D’AlCapone AlPacino, there’s pretty much only one occupational route in life — fugitive, and not a very good one at that. It’s a shame, however, that someone had to die in order to allow him to attain his goals. Perhaps there’s more help for his brother, D’Stephen McHawking.