By Ian R. Thorpe
As fans gathered in Los Angeles to pay a tearful farewell to their hero, self-proclaimed King Of Pop Michael Jackson, the mourners were shaken by the latest revelation from conspiracy theory investigators tasked with delving into the mysteries surrounding the death of the world’s greatest silly walks specialist. What reporters learned, however, shocked even the hardened journalists assigned to the story — they learned that not only is Michael Jackson not dead but, even as fans gather to bury their hero, he is actually in Moscow negotiating a strategic arms limitation deal with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.
Yes Michael Jackson and Barack Hussein Obama are the same person.
Once this fact is brought into the open, it should be clear even to the most fanatical fans of both that it was only after Jackson’s career began to wane in the wake of child abuse allegations and increasingly eccentric and erratic behaviour that a new political star, Barack Hussein Obama, began to register on the political radar. The clues that pointed to a massive conspiracy were staring us in the face all along.
The first and most obvious question doubters should ask themselves is: Have Whacko Jacko and Obama ever been seen together in public? On the face of it, this might seem no big deal; after all, were George W. Bush and Amy Winehouse ever seen together? Was Bill Clinton ever seen with Courtney Love? For people in the public eye to not be seen together is not unusual, you might think. Look deeper. Can anybody name a world leader Michael Jackson has not appeared alongside at some time? Is there any other showbiz celebrity Obama has not managed to be photographed with?
Now you see the question from a different angle.
The mathematically minded might suggest that Obama is considerably taller than Jacko who, even in his personality lifts was only average height. But if Jacko had access to surgeons capable of turning the face of a cute black teenager into a pastiche of an aging Hollywood drama queen, a Joan Crawford or Judy Garland lookalike, adding a few inches to thigh and shin bones would be no problem.
Physical characteristics can be faked, but consider how the most notable personality traits of the two man overlap. Both loved change. Michael liked to change his nose more often than many men change their underwear; Obama liked to change his past, particularly if it involved some fantasy about the British persecuting his ancestors. His fear and loathing of Britain is well founded however, we’ve got his birth certificate showing he is a British subject born in Kenya locked away in a secret location. [I don't know about that, but I'd like to see a birth certificate showing that Jackson was the biological father of those kids. -- Jeff]
It is not just the obsession with change. Both Obama and Jackson had an unfortunate knack for making inappropriate friendships — Obama with terrorists, black separatist preachers and crooks; Michael with Uri Geller and assorted little boys whose parents cared more about the size of the out-of-court settlement than their child’s safety. Again, superficially, there may not be much similarity, but to be missing that gene whose job is to tell us “this is probably not a smart move” is not that common an affliction.
Then, in the case of both, there is the mystery of the missing childhood. Looming large among the mysteries surrounding Obama is the utter lack of a back story. No college roomies have ever come forward to tell mildly embarrassing stories about Barry’s student days even though, according to his CV, he spent a decade as a student. No schools have proudly produced any records of Obama’s scholastic achievements or his minor misdemeanours such as carving initials on the desk or smoking behind the bikesheds. Michael Jackson, as we have all heard at least three times before breakfast every day of this past couple of weeks, was robbed of his childhood. Michael was thrust too young into the world of performing and celebrity. No surprise then that Obama’s childhood also disappeared.
Just how early Michael was involved in showbiz is truly amazing. It is a well known fact he invented the Moonwalk. Now, I first saw the Moonwalk being performed by street entertainers in Italy during a family holiday in summer 1958, some months before Michael was born. The way these people would walk without getting anywhere fascinated me and I remember it very clearly. Years later, as Michael’s career blossomed, knowing he must have been torn from the womb to teach those Italians the trick of walking on the spot makes the memory even more magical for me, but being a father myself I’m sure it is not a good way to bring up a child.
The clincher though, the final proof, if any is still needed, that Michael Jackson and Barack Obama are the same person lies in that combination of arrogance bordering on hubris and the extreme emotional insecurity that drives an insatiable need to be worshipped and adored. That two men with delusions of divinity combined with a desperate need to be universally loved and admired could be born so close to each other in both geography and time is just too unlikely to be dismissed as coincidence. There has to be a conspiracy at work.
Or perhaps Obama and Jackson are just metaphors for our times, the products of manipulative media, exploitative marketing and the susceptibility of so many people to being to respond to a trigger like Pavlov’s Dogs.
Ian Thorpe is a British satirical writer. Before retiring at a rather tender age following a serious illness, he was a consultant specializing in integrated digital networks. His projects involved him in utilities, banking and finance, oil and chemicals and many branches of commerce and government. He currently maintains his own Web presence at Greenteeth Multi Media, and has been contributing at America’s Right since March 2009.
Image courtesy MorphThing.com.