Insider Report: A presidential security officer tells all
E-mail from Ian to Jeff:
Here is something I have done from time to time on my UK blog. I call it an “insider report.” This one is from the heart of the President’s security team. This kind of lunacy is very British but always seems to go well with American readers.
E-mail from Jeff to Ian:
Love it. On a serious note, I don’t know what it’s like over there with the PM, but it is breathtakingly amazing everything that is done to protect the life of the American president. I lived in an apartment complex which surrounded a high-end banquet facility that was playing host to a George W. Bush event — watching the preparations (even just the stuff the public was allowed to notice), it was obvious how particular they are. Sadly, there are still people out there who consider allowing dissent to manifest itself in violence. I don’t agree with the president on much, but prayers for his safety–along with wisdom–are in my regular rotation.
As for whether or not the “insider report” will come over well over here, I still see re-runs of “Fawlty Towers” and “Are You Being Served?” on American television from time to time. British comedy is timeless.
By Ian R. Thorpe
After the frenetic pace of his first 100 days in office, President Barack Obama seems to be slowing down a little and pushing himself less often into the public eye. Sometimes almost a week will go by without his making a major speech or announcing a new plan to restart the U.S. economy by spending $1 trillion of public money on bailing out failed businesses and individuals. He has even found it is possible to have a dialogue with America’s allies in the free world without telling them how their nations and communities should be run. So, are the burdens of office weighing heavily on his padded shoulders, is responsibility etching the lines in his photoshopped face? Or is something else going on?
Critics may think the president is running out of steam, but this is not so. He is a man driven by ambition, he will not be satisfied until he has conquered the world. Look at his track record — every time Mr. Obama has taken a step up the ladder, he has immediately started working towards his next goal. That being said, it is fair to ask what is left to achieve for somebody who has become president Of The United States, the de facto leader of the free world. The answer? Like the amplifiers in the film Spinal Tap, when you have turned the dial up to ten there is nowhere left to go; this is how it looked to be with Barry’s career. After “most powerful man in the world,” there looked to be nowhere left to go. In the movie, the fictional band solve their problem by having amplifiers made with dials that went up to eleven, an example of the kind of lateral thinking that powered the Obama presidential campaign. If there is nowhere left to go, you make somewhere.
Barack Obama was never really interested in being president of the United States. To him, it was just a stepping stone in his ascent to divinity. The immediate aim now is to conquer the hearts and minds of those who hate America and thus be be acclaimed President Of The World, a position from where he can start his campaign to be President Of The Universe. One world was never going to be enough for Barack Hussein Obama.
For the first time though, the path cannot be smoothed by wealthy, secretive backers, a compliant media and a political establishment with too much to lose to object. To win over all the nations of the world Obama must show he is really superhuman, and that may not be easy. When meeting the Israeli Prime Minister recently, Obama announced that he had been tasked with reconciling Jews and Palestinians, instruction coming directly from God. Mr. Netanyahu is reported to have replied, “We’ve only got your word for that.” Mr. Obama is only human and is subject to the same physical vulnerabilities as us all. If he wants to conquer the world he must first “conker” himself.
Team Obama always knew it would take more than words to win over the Arabs and Chinese. This is why the president has not been quite so prominent in the media recently. A contact in the CIA, who cannot be named for obvious reasons, tells us precisely what has been happening — this week, Obama will make a speech to the Arab world in which he will convince them America is sorry for its crimes and wants to reach out to them. As a way of symbolically reaching out, Mr. Obama said he would walk across the River Nile from west to east. When warned about the Nile crocodiles, he told us he was here to save all living things, not just humans. Fortunately, he is more willing to listen to advice from Africans, so we found someone to explain that when a Nile crocodile sees a skinny man near the water it does not see a Messiah, it sees a snack.
The plan has always been that, after telling the Arabs about hope and change, the presidential party would pay a surprise visit to Israel, a visit which would serve as a springboard to launch the campaign for the Presidency of the World. Mr. Obama told us he would walk across the Sea Of Galilee to symbolically reconcile Christianity and Islam and after that nothing could stand in the way of his “bid to conquer the entire globe and bring about the New World Order.” Well, that is fine, but out there on the lake surface he would be a sitting duck.
We told him the risks were too great but he just reminded us he was elected and can do what he likes, that it’s merely our job to protect him, not order him around. People out there are not aware of the nightmares this Presidency gives security forces. A black President who can’t make up his mind whether he is Christian or Muslim is a natural target for every nutjob who knows how to aim a gun.
As if that was not bad enough, he insists on letting people touch him when he goes among them to bestow blessings. The only people we let near are selected supporters who have been subjected to a body cavity search of course. It’s surprising how many Obama supporters are more eager to get the body cavity search than they are to meet Mr. Obama, but even so the risks are enormous. Forget the credit crisis and the collapsing dollar, it’s protecting the president’s scrawny posterior that is bankrupting the country.
Formal occasions like The Inauguration are manageable, we can just keep him behind a screen of bullet-proof glass. The public are too far away to see the barrier. The problems increase exponentially in an informal situation or on foreign soil. Usually we have to place B.O. in a giant Plexiglas hamster ball designed by NASA to be completely transparent. People put their hand on the ball where his is and are convinced he touched them. If only the Vatican had our printing presses, they could afford to bring The Pope down from that clumsy-looking clown car.
When it comes to walking on water, the hamster ball was a no-no. For starters, the Sea of Galilee can get quite choppy and if the president was falling about inside a plastic ball, he would look like Bozo The Clown. This is a transformational moment in world history, after all — we do not want it to look like a Japanese TV game show. Secondly, the hamster ball would be at the mercy of the wind, so the president could be blown ashore in hostile territory, areas controlled by Hamas for example. The only solution would be to make the president himself bullet-proof.
It seemed like an impossible task, I mean they don’t even have that kind of technology in Bond films yet. One of he first things we had looked at was perhaps photoshopping him some way. People say pictures of him are retouched to make him look blacker (Hillary Clinton’s people apparently did that during the election), give him a stronger jawline and reduce the comedy effect of his ears. In fact, it is not the pictures that are photoshopped but the president himself. Adobe software worked with a top medical technology research team to adapt an MRI scanner: Instead of just imaging tissue cells, it rearranged the molecules. The effects wear of after about thirty minutes but that is manageable. We tried adapting that technology to turn natural skin to kevlar for the walking on water stunt but it did not work very well. So far, though, the effect on developing washboard abs has been noteworthy.
We also got in touch with Madonna’s people to find out how she had her skin turned to kevlar. Madge is clinically sane but is very paranoid in reality. Her bullet-proof skin was provided by a straightforward artificial skin graft. Unfortunately, it was not practical to do that as the president has to look real and Madonna no longer does. Even her ex hubby said getting affectionate with her was like cuddling a plank of wood. Well, nobody would accept a President Of The World who looks more wooden than Mr. Obama does already.
Eventually, one of our people in England had an idea. English schoolkids have a game they play in the fall in which they take the nuts from the Horse Chestnut tree–called “conkers”–hang them on a string and take turns to whack their opponent’s conker until one or other breaks. Well those kids have developed all sorts of tricks to make their nuts unbreakable. The most successful technique for rendering conkers invulnerable is to soak them in vinegar. A couple of days in vinegar and those nuts will handle being hit with anything. Mr. Obama could conquer the world, but only if we conkered him first.
By calculating the weight differential we worked out a man of the president’s body mass would have to be totally immersed in vinegar, breathing through a tube for 480 hours. There was no option, it had to be done. He slept in a tank of vinegar, we installed a tank on Air Force One, there is a mobile tank in the trunk of the presidential limousine. Sometimes he would spend all day in a tank of vinegar. Now he is so resilient bullets just bounce off his skin. One must wonder, however, how the First Lady is handling the smell.
The $20 billion pledged to the vinegar industry in the stimulus bill looked crazy at the time, but now everybody can see it is money well-spent. Thankfully, Obama has no plan to make a speech from the surface of Lake Tiberias. We would have had to drain and refill the whole damn thing to get an teleprompter set up out there.
The next step for Obama, we are told, will be when he has an anti-gravity device implanted up that aforementioned posterior so he can ascend to Heaven. That is going to pose a whole new set of security problems if we are to prevent the North Koreans bringing him down with a long range missile. Alas, the job of a security officer never ends.
Ian Thorpe is a British satirical writer. Before retiring at a rather tender age following a serious illness, he was a consultant specializing in integrated digital networks. His projects involved him in utilities, banking and finance, oil and chemicals and many branches of commerce and government. He currently maintains his own Web presence at Greenteeth Multi Media, and has been contributing at America’s Right since March 2009.